And the invisible hand of the wind would knock me down again…
That squirrels were friends to play with and pigeons were to chase.
The only thing that rain meant was to go outside and play…
I decided against buying the Elle Magazine because I flipped through it at Grand Central before I went home and I did not see an article about one single colored person (and I don’t just mean black). I’ll keep my 4.99+tax in my purse thank you very much.
I put my brave face on, and said what I needed to say. I meant every word, and afterwards I felt lifted, I felt free. Then Friday came and I gave in like the weakest soldier in the ranks. I felt fear and then I gave into it, which I’ll admit took a lot of courage on my part. But what the hell…
The weekend is only half over. Friday and Saturday are down. I have Sunday and Monday to go. I have uncovered some information and as usual, I don’t know how to feel about it.
I DO know how to feel about it. I feel betrayed, I feel as if I can’t trust anyone, I feel heartbroken, I feel lost. I do not want to repeat past mistakes, so I won’t really write too much on this one particular event.
When I was younger I made a lot of dumb decisions. Not to say that I don’t make mistakes now, but when I was younger, the choices I made were very reckless ones indeed. The choices I made back then were based on naive senses of trust, and a need to occupy time. Fast forward to now, and I have been clinging to the past. I never would’ve thought that in a few years I’d be stuck in the same position again: abandoned, hurting, caught in disbelief. But here I am.
I said I was going back to counseling. I am. This week I have time in my schedule, and I am going to march to that counseling center and make an appointment in person, not over the phone. I need to feel this with my whole being. I need to feel progression…
I have an abandonment complex.
Ever since I was a little girl I have been abandoned and disappointed by those who I held close to me. My uncle disappeared without feasible explanation. My grandfather, who was my best friend, suddenly got sick and died. My father, disappeared for months on end multiple times with no explanation and no one would tell me where he was. My aunt flies in and out of my life. My grandmother left me outside all alone for hours for drugs when I was little. My mother would disappear now and then. Another aunt died. This is the tip of my iceberg.
I have an abandonment complex.
So, I tend to hold tight when I care about someone in fear that they will too one day disappear. So, I pray that these people will not disappear into the night like everyone else I have known.
I have been disappointed all of my life, for lack of less dramatic description. I have never had a role model. Everyone has without fail, failed me at one point or another. Now, including this person. This is another notch in my belt, a line in my tally, a pain in my heart. This is the one situation I felt I could control, I could monitor and make sure nothing too bad would happen but I was wrong. It was from the start me getting got when I let my guard down and I paid for it deeply.
Nothing to really do now but to work through it and move forward with my head high. Yes I may cry sometimes at night but at least I am still breathing and everything is coming to light. I know what I need to do now. Honestly I had been meditating on it for a long time but now I’m able to finally carry it out.
"If you keep doing the same things you have always done, you will have the life you always had."